With millions of products for sale, from trampolines and basketball hoops to books and t-shirts, Amazon is by far the biggest online retailer in the world. If you’ve ever shopped on Amazon, then you’ve combed through dozens, sometimes hundreds, of product reviews before making a purchase and generally they’re pretty informative and helpful.
But, sometimes customers leave downright hilarious Amazon reviews. Inherently, the internet is where trolls live and no product is safe. Some of the best Amazon reviews are the ones filled with good humor. Here are some of the most ridiculous, clever and funny product reviews on Amazon.
1. The Marriage-Saving Banana Slicer
“What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course,
“You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!”
2. The Womanizer Wolf T-Shirt
“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth.
I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him. I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt. Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.” -Amazon Customer
3. Half-Man, Half-Amazing
“I purchased this mane-ly for anonymity, but instead it was a night-mare that saddled me with un-bridled panic. At a recent Comic Con, I donned the mask wearing my best track suit, jockeying for a simple laugh: “What do gay horses eat?” I queried, eager to bray “Heeeeeyyyy!!” Comic gold, friends, I know. But the neigh-sayers came unglued. “No! You’re George Takei! I know that voice!” Now, it doesn’t take a gallop poll to know what happened next. I hoofed it out of there with herds of fans riding my ass, shouting till they, too, were…horse.” – George Takei
4. Do We Really Need a Book for This?
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“When on my jet ski in the Chesapeake bay this summer I was confronted by a huge ship moving up the channel. You can imagine my horror when I realized I had only 1 hour and 45 minutes or so before the lumbering behemoth was sure to pass through my area. With no place to hide and only a water jet propelled small craft beneath me for transport, I quickly withdrew my Kindle Fire from the storage compartment beneath my seat and preceded to read the book How To Avoid Huge Ships.
One hour later and with only 45 minutes to spare, I implemented the expert advice provided by the author and turned my jet ski in the opposite direction of the huge ship to avoid certain disaster.” – Bill
5. A Great Follow-up Read to “Sex For One”
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“Microwave for one” is not just a cookbook. It’s a lifestyle. Sonia Allison gave me the confidence I needed to rebuild my life. Why be a slave to the need to ” try?” Why succumb to society’s pressure to ” care.” After following her guided tutorial, ” how to just give up in 60 seconds or less” I was ready commit 100% to the program. Soon I was popping pop corn and boiling water. Without even realizing it I was not only becoming an amazing chef, I was growing as a person. With out the burden of a life out side of my apartment, I can finally lead the life I am meant to…alone… in the dark…crying into a bowl of instant grits. Do yourself a favor. Buy this book and never look forward again!” – Drew
6. Gummy Bears From Hell
“Oh man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear “Cleanse”. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can’t imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don’t post a video review during the aftershocks.
PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I’m not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I’m a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I’ve been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.” -Christine E. Torok
- One 5-pound bag containing approximately 985 pieces
- Naturally flavored with balanced sweetness
- Mouth watering, colorful candy
- Flavors are pineapple (white), strawberry (green), lemon (yellow), orange (orange), and raspberry (red)
7. Judge This Book by its Cover
“This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding Baby’s belly button; the title makes this much clear from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby’s belly button is right where it’s suppose to be, on Baby’s stomach. Right where it clearly SHOWS you it is on the COVER OF THE BOOK.
This plot is a complete mess as a result of it’s reliance on the mystery of where the belly button is; everything falls apart the second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along. There is no conflict, there is no character development, and there is scarcely any plot. Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgement, because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby’s belly button is. This is one of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read.” -PacMan
8. Nerding Out…Ore Not
“I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.” – Patrick J. McGovern.
- Radioactive Ore Sample (NORM) Naturally Occurring Radioactive Materials
- License Exempt - low radioactivity Uranium ore sample size and CPM activity will vary.
- Useful for testing Geiger counters and performing nuclear experiments
- Shipping compiles to NRC and postal regulations
- Radioactive minerals are for educational and scientific use only.